Mallory

what's this about honor, anyway

2007-02-10T11:13:00.000-06:00

Since I met Jesus...really met Jesus...in and out of the Christian circle and "ministry world" I've heard endless conversations concerning the concept of 'honoring' women, an idea provoking me to feel somewhat uncomfortable and unsettled. A few years later, after what I consider a beautiful, intense and ongoing journey with Jesus, I realize I still have no grasp of understanding for what 'honor' is all about...
Growing up in a small, country-town atmosphere, I became extremely desensitized to the abuse of women---physical, emotional or mere judgmental blunder. At an early age, the beauty of physical touch became jaded and was to me a defense mechanism protecting the intimate places of my heart. Years of this mentality led to a numbness of heart and a subconscious acceptance that disrespect and abuse was simply an element of womanhood...the extremely inappropriate comments at Wal-mart to the man who set-up video cameras in a tanning salon when I was 16 and watched us naked...it sucked, sure, but after awhile...it just became...whatever.
Honestly, my sight for this stuff changed when a certain person entered my life and was utterly appalled to see, hear and experience some of the occurances women must face on a daily basis. I was shocked to learn of his passion against the aforementioned events, a deliberate desire and effort to not join the stream of rushing vices. I knew it was wrong, yea, but honestly...I didn't really feel hurt or upset. I was numb to it and didn't let it go deep...it just wasn't worth it. So as time passed, I began to de-desensitize myself and rid my mind and heart of the callouses that had formed over the years...and slowly, it's working...slowly...
But here's the thing. I didn't take that stuff personally...I don't take it as a personal attack when some horny, lust-driven man grabs my butt at wal-mart or the construction men yell when all the girls walk by...I just don't. It's their issues manifesting, not some personal vendetta against who I am.
But you know what hurts me so much more?
When a person who should really know me and confidently speaks of how and why women should be honored, totally rips to shreds who I am...comments giving a glimpse of the state of his own heart and in the meantime, creates a dirty, tainted picture of me. I know I have issues...who freakin doesn't. I know I've got flaws...but one thing I'm realizing about myself is that I continually find myself picking up the slack for the irresponsibility of man's mistakes and in an attempt to smooth things out and make things ok, create an inaccurate picture of myself and take into no account my own needs or desires. But I'm a fixer...it's my job...haha, not anymore. I don't take the other jabs personally because I know they don't really see me...I know its disrespectful but come on, all they see is a woman. Not who I am. But when someone DOES indeed see me...THEN. THEN..let's talk about honor. Because now, I just might have a more difficult time not taking it personally.
All this to say, I just don't really understand this 'honor' thing...I looked it up on webster and it defines "honor" as a: to regard or treat with honor or respect b: to confer honor on b2 a: to live up to or fulfill the terms of.
I had a dream last night about this guy I grew up with...a guy who is the center of one of the first traumatic experiences I had as a young teen. I was friends with one of the only black kids in my school and this guy led a group of other boys in badgering me, calling me incredibly rude and racist names. I didn't care...I got used to it. I'm pretty sure the dream is just showing me the Lord is really going to heal some places in my heart dealing with this whole 'honor' thing---or lack thereof---and bring revelation and understanding. God knows, I need it.
I will say this---two men I've recently met are indeed that of quality and character. For their own sake, haha, I'll call them Derek and Lyle. Hehe. Men of quality. Showing me more concerning true 'honor' than I've seen...well, ever.
It's really late...but I just had to get all this out.
So, Jesus...come...clean and heal my heart...bring true revelation. I need it.

Do I look in love?

2007-01-20T19:34:00.000-06:00

I want to be so in love with Jesus that everything I do, everything I say, everything I breathe...looks like love. I want to be so in love with him that I walk around dancing, happy and joyful in the complete fullness of sweet Jesus. I have issues...I don't pretend to not. But I also have Jesus...and in Him...there is nothing else. I'm always speechess, left in awe...at his goodness. At his beauty...the more time I spend with him, more deeper my soul cries out for more....

Jesus Jesus Jesus....my whisper, my hushed cry

And in a moment, I'm at the mountain top, arms raised, spinning in his presence, lost in love...I soooo want to soak up everything I can, live so fully in him that when I come down off that mountain, my cheeks are still rosy...my smile is unwavering...my laugh is unfaltering...and I move in an overwhelming love...

...that's just been what i'm praying....

Untitled

2007-01-19T17:41:00.000-06:00

the journey.

2006-08-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

Deeper and deeper and deeper...Deeper and deeper and deeper. On a journey...to the father...to a place where I can abide...where I breath in you...so desperately desiring your presence...I'm abandoned to you...I could spend forever staring in your eyes, being lost in the beauty of your gaze...going deeper and deeper and deeper...through the eyes of beauty into your blazing heart of fire, I'm consumed...I'm consumed by you...so I go lower still, lower still til' my thirsty lips touch the wears of your feet and I cry...I need more I need more I need more...
and You smile. and you say...
come, come my child...come...
I baptize you in my water...With your soft, mighty hand, you hold my tear-stained cheek as your springs of living water rush my body...yet still, even in the fullness of your river, my heart cries for more...deeper and deeper and deeper...you take my hand in yours...
and You smile. and You say...
I baptize you with the wind of my spirit...and we take flight, going higher yet deeper. higher yet deeper...fly with my spirit, you whisper...fly with my spirit, you whisper...can i trust you to fly with me...no matter the height, no matter the depth, can i trust you to fly with me...
Undone at your feet, daddy, I want to live forever inside of your presence, thinking your thoughts, dreaming your dreams, breathing your breaths...and i will fly forever with you...the destination is of no importance, as long as the wind giving me height is the wind of your spirit...oh, jesus...oh, sweet jesus...can i have more..just a little more...another little taste of more of you...
and You smile. a little bigger
and You say. a little louder
If you're sure, Mallory, you want more...I see your "yes" heart Mallory...and with the springs of my living water and the winds of my holy spirit, you need life. You must have life...and life comes from the maker, comes from the creator, comes from the core of the Father...the heart. the heart. the heart.
So gaze deep. Gaze deep. Deep in the eyes of Jesus.
And feel the heat...it will begin to rise...as you see the flames rising...from the fire of my heart...
And I baptize you, I baptize you, I baptize you...with the fire of my heart...

Living immersed in his presence.
Flying in the winds of his Spirit.
Allowing the fire in his heart become the fire in yours.

A journey complete, Yet a journey just begun.

grateful.

2006-07-22T23:33:00.000-05:00

"I don't really understand what is happening to me...I'm living my days behind a window, as if a clear pane of glass separates me from all breath outside my own. Seeing...but from a distance. Hearing...but barely listening. Do others feel as distant to me as I do to them? I feel somewhat guilty at my lack of guilt for my desire to remain one-in-one with my Jesus...knowing the day will come when the veil is lifted from my chamber, oh so intimate, and he will ask me to give away the rivers of love that have consumed my very being...But now, I am here...he has asked me to come...and every moment I savor, every touch I embrace and every word I etch in my heart...he has stripped me of anything, everything outside of his presence and firmly rooted my identity in Him. Apart from Him, I am nothing...I want nothing...but in Him...I am His temple, in ME, his presence abides..."

Looking back through old journals, I read this entry...and read it again...and again...and again. I remember the day so vividly. All my friends had left for the weekend to take a road trip to Kansas City for an Open Heavens conference...I was on my porch, sitting with Jesus. I kind of wanted to go...Akil, my only good friend at the time, was going, so the decision whether to go was tough. But honestly, the thought of going to another conference to sit in a room with hundreds of people and stare at hoity-toity apostolic evangelist prophetic ministry CEO's of the gospel of and oversized plasma screens with easy to remember worship phrases made me feel incredibly nauseauted. An open heaven sounded nice...but I'd rather get wrecked in my closet, at fidos or on the pavement....anywhere..as long as it was just me and Jesus.

And it was...it was just me and Jesus, for quite a while, in fact. Despite the intimate romance my heart was having with it's designer, life outside continued. it's ironic. I remember so much...but I remember so little. Some days I Iong to go back there, my chambers of intimacy, so sweet, safe and secluded. But then papa reminds me what he s doing...Mallory. I am making room...expanding your tent pegs...if you want more of me, give more of me away...

And in Him, I have peace...and...as new revelation is birthed, I have pleasure...HE gives me pleasure. HE gives me joy, He gives me freedom, life and abudance.
And I love my life. Gosh, I love my life. I love Priscilla. I love Mark. I love Travis. i love Laura. and I love Steven. I LOVE THAT MAN... woohoo! I love Jeremy. I love Sheena. I love Angie. I love lil' Mike. I love lil' Anthony. I love Rob. I love Otis. I love Casey. And whenever I look into Sheenas' eyes, I see my Jesus...and when I hold lil' Anthony, I am embracing my Jesus, ...and He's never been more beautiful.

An Unexpected Visit

2006-07-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

An unexpected time, an unexpected place
Watching the hands on my watch, longing for the moments to pass quickly so I could meet with you. A patch of grass or pile of dirt, I don’t care, I Just need to be with you
An unexpected time, an unexpected place
Your presence arrives like a subtle, gentle wind...my attention is yours. and I hear your voice
Still your spirit, my daughter, the beats of your heart are merely echoes of my heart...the breath rising in your chest flowed from the very breath I first breathed in you...Be still, sweet one, let me come to you right where you and show the beauty of true intimacy...intimacy, intimacy....is not your journey toward my heart, but intimacy is you. being still. and allowing me to come to you...take down your walls and trust in me, I created you so you could be...vulnerable, weak & transparent...the pieces of you that you are so desperately trying hide are the pieces my hands long to hold...still your spirit, my daughter...until you join me in the heavens...I choose you as my throne
And in a swift moment I’m in your arms...the warmth of your hands resting on mine, knowing you’ve seen me all along...your heart beats creates my heart beat, your breath creates my breath...
Welcome home daddy...welcome home.

Priscilla. Today, We Celebrate You.

2006-07-05T10:06:00.000-05:00

Your laugh.
Your smile.
Your uninhibited self.
Your transparency.
Your unhindered love for ice cream.
Your humility.
Your courage.
Your words.
Your heart.
Your car.

You are amazing.
You are beautiful.
You are stunning.
You are free.
You are you.

Happy 26th Birthday, Priscilla!!! Your life is an inspiration!

and I pledge my allegiance.

2006-06-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

Mallory.

Papa?

May I have your womb?

My womb?...

Yes, your womb. May I have your womb to birth my dreams....?

I was sitting on the floor. Feeling little. Despite the resounding beats cascading from the stage and the rapid movement of bodies surrounding me, the slightest whisper of Papa calling my name immediately enveloped me into a world all of my own. Just me and daddy.

May I have your womb to birth my dreams...?

The weight and intensity carried by the question quickened my spirit and I immediately knew the answer I would inevitably give could not be given lightly ... looking down, I noticed the dirt on my feet that seems to have become as familiar as my own skin. And I saw my hands and remembered how my son Matteus would put his hand against mine, look at me and smile as if the touch spoke more than words ever could. I was wearing an old brown skirt my mom bought me right before my first trip to Mozambique...I always laughed because that skirt was the ony piece of clothing that lasted throughout all my adventures ... but that morning the thought seemed almost somber, realizing the memories sewn into that scraggly peice of cloth and here I was...wearing it. and remembering. And my heart...I noticed the beat of my own heart, suddenly understanding the beauty of life's dependecy on the very core of who we are...as long as our heart lives...we live.

Becoming aware of these intricacies, I listened carefully to Papa's heart. And with a deep breath responded to his question with the answer my spirit had long before given...

Yes, daddy...my womb is yours.

And over the past six months, I have watched as my womb has grown and he has continually planted the seeds of his dreams inside me. To grow. To be nutured. To be loved. Knowing my responsibility was that of Mary...to simply believe. To understand dreams are only dreams if they surpass reality and I must no longer see with natural eyes, but I must see with the eyes of my spirit...and believe. The deeper I journeyed into his heart, the higher I flew with Jesus...and everything in my sight was seen with his eyes...and the seeds he planted became deeply engrained in my heart and suddenly, his dreams became my own and I found myself fighting as if my life depended upon their fulfillment.

But then something happened. Something changed. I changed.

My life was thrown into a complete whirlwind and my certainies were suddenly uncertain and anything I thought was stable was suddenly unstable. And despite my initial reactions, I still heard his voice ... calling out...

Mallory. Lift up your eyes from where you are. Look to the North. the South. the East. the West. Everything in your sight I am giving to you.

But my eyes couldn't see and my ears couldn't hear and I felt as if I were holding an open womb ... exposure to even the slightest wind seemed terrifying. And if the depth my heart ached to keep his dreams safe was any inclination of Papa's desire to keep them safe and fulfilled...God, forbid me from standing in your way...

So I cried out. I cried out for mercy. I cried out that if my womb could not birth his dreams and if my womb was not safe...he would take them away...and plant them that was safe. And trusted. The pain was unbearable but my desire to see his dreams fulfilled completely supassed my desire to "be" in this move of God...I would have done anything...just don't let your dreams perish...

But over the past few weeks, I have watched the secrets he has whispered...each whisper planting a seed in my womb...begin to be birthed. Right in front of me. Tears streamed down my cheeks as understanding and revelation poured ... and I saw...I saw Jesus. I saw his fiery passion for his bride totally supercede the enemies' deceit and man's fallibility. mercy manifested. theological barriers broken and bridges of reconciliation bringing complete restoration to families. a husband and wife experience true, complete love and inviting daddy's lost into their home...

And so how can I not believe... how could I not fall, totally wrecked and undone, at the feet of my sweet Jesus. I've always said "I just love Jesus" and while that remains true, I realize my life with Jesus is much deeper...I just love Jesus in such a way that my life is no longer my own and I will give every ounce of who I am to passionately pursue the dreams of His heart. I will live where he wants me to live, I will go where he wants me to go, I will be who he wants me to be...me.

Fully. Wholly. Completely. And that...I will guard with my life...

And so I pledge my allegiance, to you, my sweet Jesus...I pledge my allegiance to you.

2006-05-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

What an overwhelming weekend.

a road less traveled.

2006-05-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

Two roads diverged...

Sitting in the back of Belmont Heights Baptist church in the midst of my fellow graduates, I pondered where I have been and where I am going. What a journey. Realistically, I could have graduated with a higher grade point average. I could have joined a few more honor societies. I could have already applied to Vandy or SOAS in london and be well on my way to what most would consider a successful life.

But that's not who I am.
I'm not exactly sure who that is, exactly, but a after recent near-death experience, I AM sure she's the only thing I've got.

Unexpectedly, I arrived at the intersection four years ago. Oblivious to the crossing, I walked on the grasses of Belmont University with great expectations and the utmost confidence that I would achieve success, defined at the time by graduating with the highest honors and a elongated list of academic and extracurricular acheivements. My first few semesters were bombarded with late nights, early mornings, 30 hour work weeks and regular all-nighters, all attempts to achieve the aforementioned goals. This, I thought, was who I was...it was me at my best...after all, I wanted excellence...

But somehow...somewhere along the journey...another road crossed my path and I found myself walking blindly into unexplored territory. The defining characteristics that composed the foundation and stability of my identity began to diminish as I meekly stumbled forward...walking...moving...continuing until I found myself on the rocky soil of Zimpeto, Mozambique. Unable to move, I began to question everything I knew, wanted or desired. None of it mattered. None of it. All that mattered was that I had to be dwelling in the midst of my King, my Jesus, my lover, my best friend. No steps would be taken unless they took me closer to him, no breath would be breathed unless it was of him and no thought was worth thinking unless it was of my sweet Jesus. Unexplored territory, it was. Familiarities were sporadic but for the most part...my journey that once seemed defined and concrete had become a rocky path of unexpected turns and mountains. Some might describe it as unstable, irresponsbible or "a waste of talent and potential." I call it...well, I call it..me.

I'm only 22 and I am quite aware the my life experiences are limited and any wisdom I claim could possibly be overturned in a few years...but despite that, there are a few things I know.
Regardless of the situation, I don't know how not to love. I honestly don't know how not to respond out of unconditional and unadulterated love, even despite the fact that as a result, my mind is often led to confusion and my heart to brokenness. Just recently..the very core of my being led me to a desert land where barrenness prevails, hope is deferred and the seeds of Papa's dreams are left to die. I ran away. But I came back.
I believe in the one. I believe in the now. I believe in goodness of God. I believe in the goodness of man. I believe in peace. And I believe in faith. I believe in true reconciliation. I believe that families can be restored, orphans can united with their families, the poor can become rich and the sick are healed. And I believe in each of these with such fervor and passion that they have become stones..stones so perfectly adjoined to form a road that has become my journey, leading me toward a fruitful and plentiful land where the barren one conceives, hope is restored and all of the seeds of Papa's dreams are fulfilled...and his bride is prepared. The cost of the journey? Priceless.

When I graduated high school, one of my teaches handed me a copy of Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken." Pondering on the words every so often over the past few years, I finally understand. Choosing to live from our hearts, from what we know in the depths of our very being, from the ideas and dreams that give life to our spirits, laying aside expectation and wordly definitions of success, walking with pride, passion and confidence that no matter the consequences, we will choose to walk in the truth and light of who we are, what we know, what we believe...this...THIS...is the road less traveled. And taking the road less traveled is indeed dangerous. Indeed rocky. Indeed instable. But it's beautiful.

And every so often in my wild, radical ride, a crux is in the road...an easy-out. A way to quietly proceed on the 'other,' choosing to forego the danger...for me, its the same question.

Is love worth the risk?

My answer is never immediate and the temptation to run away is always strong. Last week I ran away...I ran fast...and far. It wasn't worth it, I decided...I just couldn't keep going. My feet were bruised and I was tired. So I went to sleep. But I dreamed of that land...I dreamed of that land where families are restored, orphans are reunited with their families, the poor are rich and the sick are healed...and I came back. I came back to the road that is sometimes terrifying, dark and lonely...but it's all I know. And the rocks on my road others call instable are actually my stability and the sturdy comfort beneath my feet.

So I walk on, knowing that the road not taken is indeed the road less traveled...but it's the only road I know...and I know where it leads...and THAT...THAT is the reason why I will never take another.

And love...is it worth it?

Absolutely.

2006-05-09T03:48:00.000-05:00

Eyes still tightly shut, I always knew when it was morning. The cool breeze rustling through my tent, the dampness of my skin, the brightness of the beaming orange sun beginning to rise over the blues of the ocean...all reminders the day was near. I pulled my blue fleece close around my neck, thankful for the covering that had traveled with me on all my African adventures...I knew the time was around 5:30 am...the scraping of the children sweeping the sand replaced any need for a wake-up alarm. I sat up and wrapped a capalana around my body, grabbed a bar of soap and headed down to the beach for a morning swim and shower. By the time I reached the gate, I was accompanied by my little friends...I loved wondering who would win the daily battle of who got to carry my towel and who got to hold my hand...arriving at the beach, I joined the mothers in the water as children came to bathe and the men and boys pushed their fishing boats in the water, hoping to get an early start. I arrived home and the base is bustling...pastors are ready and waiting outside the kitchen for their morning tea and roll and the children are busy cleaning their dorms before school.
"Good Morning Mana Mal!" --- Edwardo, the gatekeeper, said daily with his toothy grin...
I clipped my towel on the line and climbed the rocky hill to the top of the base, anxious to spend the next hour or so with Daddy. I turned and saw the tops of hundreds of thatched roofs that formed Cabo Delgado, a village finding the love of Jesus day by day...kids ran through the dirt paths, women carried piles of wood and water on their heads...smoke was rising throughout the villages as rice was already being prepared. My heart smiled.

The day had begun.

Good morning, Pemba.

2006-05-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

back to the secret place i go....

aaannnnddd i'm spent.

ciao.

stopping to smell the rose

2006-04-29T18:14:00.000-05:00

Endless days I've spent in this very seat. The window seat in the back of Bongo Java...the morning employees always know where I am, waiting on my coffee...or wheat bagel, double toasted...or hummus bomb...depending on my mood and time of day. The day seems ordinary, yet something....something is different. The clock reads 6:29. In about 10 minutes I'm walking to the Curb to watch my 4th Best of the Best Showcase....interesting, it is. A routine that seems so familiar, yet in a just a few weeks will become a memory and stepping stone as such a significant chapter of my closes and the rest of my life truly begins. Graduation has seemed surreal until now. Anticipated yes, but I've been, I don't know...preoccupied, I suppose.

--- break for showcase ---

Wow. What a great show. I couldn't help but feel Papa's delight and excitement as his kids shined and excelled...and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed as I retraced the amazing journey of some of the artist's that I've had the honor to witness. I think I'll spend my next few posts honoring some people and memories that stand out from the past four years...

Sarah Beth: a dear friend from many years ago who will forever be my favorite roomie. "We're At WAR!" to our pineapple pizza parties...from the minute we were the first Hail roomies to show up on orientation morn, you were an essential element in the beginning of my Belmont career....now we are both getting married to the men who were the subjects of our late night talks and cries...wow. amazing.

Linz: a woman who I believe in with everything I am, whose dreams I long to see fulfilled and walk in the fullness of Papas love. A venti, extra-ice coffee frap, please...you are truly amazing, linz...you were destined for greatness. your smile and laugh breathe life into the darkest of places...

Betsy: a friend from a distance yet always admired. your beauty is captivating and joy is contagious. We had a great talk at Summit, several years ago...remember? A great talk...if I remember correctly, the topic of conversation just happens to be the man who placed a beautiful diamond on my finger just a few weeks ago...hehe. You are inspiring, able to move and shake your atmosphere without speaking a word. Just being...you...is enough. Stunning.

Troy: I must take credit, you do understand, at least partial credit, for all acheivements in your life...thank you, troy, for allowing me to take part in a small season of your life. Beyond anything else, remember....chase your dreams, never underestimating who you are and what you can achieve...

Nicole: such a great friend. So present during one season of my life yet remaining a close sister. Late night ventures to Waffle House...a binding of spirits that even with months of unspoken words, a smile or glance will always take us back to those first few months at Belmont...

Rob: watching you tonight at the showcase was somewhat overwhelming. Remembering you...so different...four years ago, skinny little guy at that log cabin for the weekend...remember our valiant attempt to set the world's largest record for the biggest hug?? ... as we shared our stories...our hearts. Dreams being fulfilled, is what you represented tonight...it has truly been an honor to watch you these past few years...

Mike, Jesse, Seth, Sam & Jon: you'll forever be those freshmen guys from Pembroke...Jesse, was and will forever be on on my "top 8" of life. Sam, a cup that Papa is waiting to fill with the mysteries of heaven. Mike, whose voice permeates the atmosphere with the presence of sweet Jesus. Jon, my brother, wellspring of laughter and dreams will shake lives. And Seth. The mysterious one I've never really known but often wondered what was beneath...and whose music blew me away when I discovered it a few hours ago...wow. Understanding in an instant that inside you is a breeding ground for music and wisdom that will seriously...have no boundaries. Together...an inspiration..

---- to be continued ---

2006-04-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

The enemy's voice is silenced by the loudness of your truth.
A truth that sets me free...

You really love me. You really love me. You really love me.

2006-03-26T19:50:00.000-06:00

March 23, 2006

A month has passed since our offer was accepted on 1903.

Oh, his heart. Every glimpse I have of his heart leaves me speechless, unable to truly grasp his greatness. I find myself sitting helplessly at his feet, undone, truly undone, as his desire for the one is causing daily miracles and shifts to take place. His desire to see life breathed into one little South Korean girl has caused him to constantly reveal himself in our (Mark and I) life...make us listen, papa. Our ears and eyes are tuned to you...you've gotten our attention.
Worship was awesome tonight. Jeff and the guys had a show in Grantham, PA, only a few minutes outside Hershey. I danced for awhile then found my usual position on the floor. I asked Papa to show me stuff...anything, really.
Mark and I were in our neighborhood, in the streets. I was looking down the streets and the street turned into an aisle...for a wedding. (A wedding in the streets, what a thought) He first called the orphaned. Hundreds, maybe even thousands, I saw as they walked to Jesus....truly a beautiful sight. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as next came the poor...followed by the widows, the oppressed, the deceived. The streets were lined not with houses but with churches...people began to flow from the churches and lined the streets...watching as those they had turned away walked toward Jesus. I had asked Papa what my parents had to do with everything that was happening. Mom and Dad were leading these people, flowing from their churches in repentance, realizing their ways and religion was simply that, their own ways and religion. I remember a vision I had a few years ago when I saw a long aisle with a door at the very end. A small boy ran down the aisle yelling "the bride is coming, the bride is coming!" I was walking down the aisle but as I got to the door, something stopped me. Papa said...no, I want to carry my bride across the threshold.
I saw Mark and I running through house after house, ripping off the veils, laughing...beautiful.
I asked Papa about Mrs. Betty and Mr. Phil...I saw a house. Mr. Phil was with the man, dressed up, speaking with soothing yet firm gentleness. I saw a woman, preparing for her wedding, Mrs. Betty at her side. They met in the middle of the house as the man knelt in front of her. I'm not sure if he was repenting or proposing...Mrs. Betty and Mr. Phil still stood with them as joy filled the room and the man and woman embraced....a little boy ran through the front door and into their arms. I asked Papa what it was and he said...
Not only are houses being built, they are being restored.
WHOA. Thank you, Jesus, thank you Papa. I began to feel a little hurt as I realized that some children that will come into our homes will not stay forever..my heart already ached as I saw the day they would leave. Papa quickly convicted me and I knew that grace and strength would come. He reminded me of "Union Station" and that trains come in divided and will leave united...thank you Jesus.
Jesus, continue to lift our veils. Continue to be our eyes...we can only lift their veils if we are able to see what you created underneath. Let us look beneath the exterior to see the beauty of your heart, taking hold of what is unseen and contending for your bride.

And you're doing this for the one...help me to get this, Jesus, help me to get this...our daughter in South Korea. Israel. Libya. Jerusalem, Kairo. The child that lives in our neighborhood. Me. Mark. Joseph. Cindy. Mr. Phil. Mrs. Betty.

Oh, God...I'm at your feet. I don't want to be anywhere else...I don't know how to be anywhere else...take this. This is yours...

2006-03-26T19:49:00.000-06:00

March 22, 2006
I was with Laura at Starbucks and talking of the need to live outside my armor and live inside true intimacy, both in marriage with Mark and Jesus. Mark calls. Laura answers for a brief greeting before handing the phone to me. Within minutes, Holy Spirit and angels come to visit...my face and head immediately began to tingle as the weight on my chest was almost unbearable. Deep breaths. The phone still plastered to my left ear, I asked Papa...Papa, what is this....

"I lifted your veil."

This is what I heard.

Before I can pronounce you man and wife, the veil must be lifted. When the veil is lifted, true union is made --- true identity is released. True identity is the result of true reconciliation. As my bride is being prepared, veils must be lifted for I want my bride as I intended her to be ---- pure, perfect and true. And in my bride, let no one perish.
Your marriage is held at Union Station...a symbol that the TIME for union is now. Unveil. Lifted off the orphans as they come to me with their fathers. Lifted off the poor as their rags and crowns of thorns are replaced with the whitest and most beautiful robes. And the widows, oppressed and deceived. I want my bride as I created her to be. Live inside me. Push deeper. Stand in purity and truth. Those the world says should come last will come first.
Korea. 2. North and south---a country once united the enemy divided. Bring one from the north and one from the south and under your roof, they will be united.
The planks on the bridge I have laid. All you have to do is walk. Just walk. Just move. Your desire for intimacy is from me. Hold tight to your union. What is bred in your house shall flow into the streets. You will have influence and a voice. Your feet in the doors of media and music will remain. They will be used to announce the wedding. Union Station. Trains in and out. They come in divided and leave united and reconciled. Once the bride arrives, its time. Clear eyes, clear eyes, clear eyes for me, my ways and my voice. Only my voice for I am the one who will pronounce man and wife.

2006-03-19T16:26:00.000-06:00

Relationships.
Person to person. Face to face. Spirit to spirit. Engaging each one as if the world had stopped until your encounter had ceased. Giving all of yourself...

Getting over myself, my issues, my stuff and running full force...freedom. I'm tasting it. I want more. Living outside my once safe-shield of strength in order to truly be who I am...embrace intimacy and vulnerability.

lesson of the day: disappointment is a cruel, ugly tool of the devil to make us underestimate ourselves and our faithful Papa.

another God-invaded moment at Fidos

2006-03-12T15:38:00.000-06:00

I dont' know what it is about coffee shops that wreck me...an unexpected enviornment where Papa always shows up in the most unlikely ways. A sense of brokenness, maybe? I came here to do work...to read, study and attempt this thesis that is such a weight on my shoulders...eyes wellowing with tears..why?...well, maybe I'm due...

The day is Sunday, March 12. My last post being nearly a month ago, I feel somewhat foolish to even attempt to scribe the amazing workings of my sweet Jesus. I've found myself in an indescribeable God set-up...and in the midst of a movement of reconciliation...unable to truly grasp the greatness of the wonders He has so carefully crafted and placed me.

I'm beginning to realize the importance of living out of your true self...so often we are bombared with molds of expectation and attempt to melt ourselves to fit where we were never meant be. The freedom outside the molds of fear...wow. Free from the fear of my father's reaction. Free from the fear of disappointing others. Free from the fear of falling short.

Live from your heart---a phrase I hear often from a dear friend of time---live from your heart regardless of the costs and the opinions of man. Follow the tune of my spirit, knowing and relying that the dreams and desires were created specifically for me to fulfill. Move forward through the doors Papa opens for you, looking back only with a sense of thankfulness for where you've been and exitement & expectancy of where you're headed.

I am breathing every breath, overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of our Daddy and his desire for us to walk out this amazing life he has planned...

2006-02-16T09:16:00.000-06:00

I'm sleepy. That's all.

2006-02-13T00:29:00.000-06:00

These feet have walked the miles
My eyes have seen some things
The world may deem impossible
And a little strange.
But its just as he promised
That the greatest gift of all
Is a pure and perfect love
That I've found in you and me.

Seems unbelievable. Almost unspeakable
What have I done to deserve this, I don't know
Eyes closed in wonder
Arms raised in thankfulness
In a still, small voice, I can only say

Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus.

I FEEL AMAZING!

2006-02-11T09:01:00.000-06:00

So, this is the jazz. God is soooo good. So good! The deeper I go into Him, the more amazing revelations I discover...
Dude, ok, so get this. Women, especially me, are often bombarded by "not enoughs." i.e.- not pretty enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough, not cool enough (well, i've not had that problem because I have long discovered the river of coolness tha flows from my very essence..haha). I'm sure men struggle with this too but I won't even attempt to go there since my lack of undestanding of men steadily decreases, as does my interest. So, check it out.
Here's God, right? God has a variety of characteristics...he's loving, he's righteous, he's jealous for his kids, he's a healer, he gives joy when we're down, he gives mercy every day, and the list goes on! God has these "constants" inside of us and it's our job to draw them out of Him. Most people get saved by the "fear of God" and have this misunderstanding that God is just this big, mean 'being" who kept them from hell. But as they go deeper into God they discover "oh, he's nice..oh, he's GOOD....oh, he's so jealous for me....wow, he's full of so much mercy." Well, if we are created in His image, right, that same deal goes with us...THERE IS NO LACK! EVER! AT ALL! I got this yesterday and since then, I've just asked Papa "Papa, tell me more about myself!!!!" Haha, its amazing! It's like I'm on this new journey of self-discovery when I'm realizing that I am totally enough! And I'm real! I have always had this fear of people thinking i was fake. Always. It's been like a barrier keeping me from living in freedom. But embracing and owning who you are is life-altering because you're allowing all thats lives inside to live on the outside! And you love it! And you embrace it! And you know that YOU ARE GOOD! YOU ARE GOOD!

Important things I must remember from the last 3 days of my life:
1. I am amazing.
2. I got free of this nasty bug-looking thing and it was sooo freakin cool bc I'm convinced it started this "me" revelation! haha!
3. Doubt is NOT of God but a fruit of fear.
4. God fulfills dreams not worst fears.
5. God desires to pour restoration on his kids...we just have to ask & receive.
6. The only way to live life, especially a life of relationships, is through complete vulnerability and transparency.
7. I'm amazing.

Cool. Ciao.

2006-02-09T12:02:00.000-06:00

I feel stupid. I feel naive. I feel like I should have known better. For someone who claims that love is the only place to live from, I don't even know whats real anymore. Thats what I told God. God, all I want is something thats REAL. What if I have been loving from a place thats totally fabricated and not love at all...if love really is the most powerful force that casts out all fear...what is happening now? Why? How? Shouldn't that be enough?

Vulnerability.
Jesus, this is not good for my vulnerability lesson. I'm back at ground zero and quite frankly, I have no plans of leaving.

2006-02-09T09:19:00.000-06:00

I don't understand. I don't get it.
I don't know if I can believe it.
When words have always been so important...
Why have so many spoken gone void?
I can't believe it. Jesus. Help me.

Papa, I know you are good. I can't deny your goodness. I don't know what to say, do, think...all I can is that I know you are good.

Time to think...

2006-02-07T23:46:00.000-06:00

I've layed in bed for quite sometime now, computer in lap, attempting to write but no words seeming to fit and struggling to decipher what exactly is brewing inside. I'm having a "small" moment...I decided to look back at my blog (something I rarely do) and read past entries. The more I read, the deeper my heart began to feel the pure delight of our King has he has delivered his faithfulness and restoration over my life....

When my eyes can't see
And my ears can't here
I can trust in your goodness
I can stand on your mercies
I can lean on your promises
Because your love endures forever!

Papa, you are so faithful. You are so good. My soul aches for more of you...I long for a place that goes deeper, deeper into your presence. I want inspiration. I want your words. I want my face to resemble yours, sweet Jesus, and my eyes to overflow with the golden river that flows from the depths of yours.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I think of the extent my sovereign God has gone to save my life...I can just sit....

2006-02-05T06:11:00.000-06:00

What an interesting weekend. It's Sunday morning...and something is happening. I'm not sure what it is. I woke up early today. Not sure why. No real need to pray...it was almost like God was saying "just remember this moment." So, ok, I'll remember.

Mark has been gone all weekend in Tulsa. Comes home today around 1. I can't wait. It's hard when he's gone...especially without a phone. It's like my best friend isn't here and those stupid things I tell him daily just go without being told. Like a little piece of me can't really move until I talk to him...and when I don't, it's just weird. I can't help but wonder what life will look like. Such similar hearts , similar dreams. Two people that are wholly given to laying down their lives to serve our sweet King. What does that look like with us? How long will Mark be doing the band thing? How long will I be working at a publication? How long will Nashville be our home...or at least where we live, anyway. I don't know. But there is one thing I DO know...

I am so freakin' cool. I'm amazing. I mean, come on. Look at me. I am a woman in the fullness of God. Wanna know why? I am proud to be who I am. I have reached the point of no return when it comes to following Jesus...but I am stable. I carry a weight of stability yet the flexibility to pack up in a day and move to Saudi. I love unconditionally and am convinced the only place to live is in the "now." My heart beats for the Muslims and have poured myself into studying international politics so I can have the tools I need to carry out whatever He wants from me. I will do everything I can to never make a decision out of fear, although the one area I need more freedom in is allowing myself to be vulnerable. Gosh. Isn't it unbelieveable. Mark, do even KNOW how freakin blessed you are?!??!?!

Haha. Own yourself. I'm learning how.

I have an amazing friend...she is truly an inspiration in my life. I've missed her and spending time with her has been....well, amazing. And she carries the same "coolness" as I. When we get together...man, just break out the winter coats and mittens cause you're gonna feel the breeze....ahhahahHAHAHAHHAhahaha. Ok, and with that, I'll go.

Mark, hurry home. I miss your beautiful face.

2006-01-22T23:55:00.000-06:00

Hungry. So hungry.

the reality of my heart.

2006-01-21T14:48:00.000-06:00

Sitting at Portland Brew...

And as I come into this place
May all around me be erased
And I focus on your ways
May I lose myself in your embrace.

I need you more
More than words can say
I need to see your face.
I need you more
More than words can say
I need to see your face.

Jesus, I need you. I need to see your face and feel the warmth of your embrace. As long as I can live in your presence and reside in your heart, I'll do anything. I'll go anywhere. Jesus, one glimpse of your eyes, one touch of your hands, one gaze into your heart isn't enough...I want all of you, papa. I've never experienced the longing and overwhelming desire I feel when I think of you. It's as if I've hit a wall of bricks and my feet can go no further until I have more...so I stop.

I stop and my face meets the dirt as the reality of the desperation and the hunger I have for you overtakes my very being. Oh, sweet Jesus. You are so good. You are so sweet. You are so lovely. More and more and more and more and more...of you. The words of my heart are poetry to you, my sweet love. Walking with your eyes, Jesus, has changed my life...but without the rest of you, I can do nothing.

Tears stream down my cheeks
As your goodness draws me near
To a place of love and mercy
And your face I see and your words I hear

Eyes locked on your yours
A gaze speaks a thousand words
As you whipser to me the secrets
That your heart longs for us to know

You are good so I am good
You are strong so I am strong
You are love so I am love
You were sick so I am healed
You were captured so I could be free
You died...so I could have LIFE. ABUNDANTLY!

So I receive...I receive...I receive...all you have for me.

2006-01-18T01:28:00.000-06:00

I love feeling little. I love closing my eyes and burying myself into the arms of my Jesus. My lover. My heart's home. I love feeling the sovereignity of my King and taking my place in the palm of his presence, hiding away in the wrinkle of his hands.

Then, just as his comfort envelops the essence of who I am, I feel his fingers curl open, ever so gently. Movement. Do I dare peek? A tiny glance reveals we've taken flight, going up. Where? Not sure. Not sure I even want to know. Or see. It's funny. Speed accelerating yet I am firm, steady in papa's palm. Eyes close again and I feel wind on my cheek . It's the wind of Papa's breath, as he whispers in my ear...

If you live in my heart, you have all of me. You are not alone. No need to fear for my hands are with yours, my feet are with yours and my words are yours.

Deep breath. Ok. Eyes tight, I put my hands down to feel the coolness of Papa's skin, noticing how compared to his, my fingers were like grains of sand on miles of beach. So small. Hands firmly on his, I pull my feet underneath my body and begin to straighten my legs. Slow. Legs upright, I pull up my shoulders. I'm up.

The wind of the world is pushing against my body. Flying? Impossible. I don't dare open my eyes.

"Lift up your eyes from where you are. Look to the North, South, East & West. Everything in your sight I am giving to you."

A glimpse. Soaring. Fear blown adrift as my eyes widen at what they behold. Silence seems loud as I realize what I am seeing. Secrets. Of my heart. Of His. As if he was showing me clips of His plans. For our life...and the world.

Unspeakable. Dare I believe?

Stay firm in my palm. Abide in my heart. My hands are constant. Unshakeable. Your home is here. Rest forever.
But the time is now. Open your eyes.
And Stand.
Stand. When no one else will. You must.

OK. I am. I believe.

Unspeakable.

2006-01-08T18:33:00.000-06:00

Silence preceeds my words and thoughts as what happened today lessens any mutter or thought insufficient. Even now, tears streaming down my face, I am undone. wrecked.

Jesus, I am asking for the nations. I am crying out for the Islamic peoples. I see them. I will not pass them by. Not one. I will see them as you do, stand for them as you do. Just one. Just one. Thats all it takes.

"Mallory. In the desert of Islam, wellsprings of life are waiting to be found. Do not pass them by. All it will take is one. One wellspring will become a river that will bring life and restoration to the land (Islam). Just one."

With a blink of my eye I am looking into their eyes. Eyes of a people group that is lost in deception but has captured the heart of my papa. I have chosen to live a life in the secret place and to reside in his heart...Walking lower still.

Mallory. If you choose to live here you must feel the pain as well as the joy. You must be responsible for my heart. Protect it.

Yes Papa. I will protect it with everything I am. I will stand guard.

He who dwells in the secret place of the most high will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

A Merry Christmas Indeed.

2005-12-29T01:26:00.000-06:00

I must say that the past week of Christmas celebrations has far surpassed any holiday in my recent memory. Of course, childhood memories of running down the hallway to see the gifts Santa brought and the smells of hickory roasted nuts and honey-baked ham are permanently etched in my heart but this Christmas...this Christmas...was amazing. Maybe it was because I was with Mark, my best friend and love, 24-7...a scenario that proved there are simply not enough hours in the day for us to be together...only 24 hours in a day?...
Mark was in Dalton and drove back to Nashville on the 22nd to play with Chris in his show...it was amazing! Those guys flow with Holy Spirit in a way I’ve never really seen or felt before, immediately bringing the presence of God and creating a direct connection with Papa’s heart. We left the next morning for Dalton to spend time with his family. I know his family pretty well and know they love me so I wasn’t too nervous...until we were almost there. I realized that although I seen them several times throughout the past few years, this time it was different...really different. I wasn’t Mal, Mark’s friend who travels to Africa. I was Mal...Mark’s serious girlfriend...But when I arrived my butterflies subsided and I immediately felt at home. I love and respect his entire family...especially his mom. There is a place in her heart that is really similar to a place in my own heart...this was made obvious when she gave me a special Christmas gift. She gave me this beautiful silver bowl with fruit embellishments...and a box of salt. She had a dream and felt the Lord saying that He was giving me salt and that I would be fruitful. What she didn’t know was this...when I was in Mozambique and trying to decide whether or not to leave, papa told me that I was losing my salt...that the life and taste that I had once carried was wilting and my salt had lost its taste. So needless to say, when I got this salt...I was dumbfounded. Loss for words. She gave me salt. Wow. THAT....THAT....was God. IS God.
Anyway, we had an amazing time with his family...we headed back to Chapel Hill on Christmas Day, enjoyed some grub and opened a mountain of gifts. So a few weeks ago Mark had told my mom and dad how we wanted to learn how to cook real food---Mom, using this concept as a theme for majority of Mark’s gifts, got us MATCHING EMBROIDERED APRONS. Yep. That’s right. Matching embroidered aprons. I mean, its cute...a bit embarrassing but still kinda cute. I got an IPOD. Super cool.
Yesterday we drove down to Birmingham, Alabama to see Beth and Chuck Cooper, an awesome couple who I met on my first trip to Mozambique who took on a really special “mom and dad” role in my life. THAT...was amazing. I really wanted them to meet Mark and get their blessing...they loved him! And Mark loved them! We spent some time praying and prophesying over each other and that was awesome. Beth is so prophetic and totally read our mail. She said some stuff that was totally right on with Mark and I...stuff I will address later for the sake of me going to bed. I’m tired.

We can’t escape His goodness if we use it as our dwelling place.

He who dwells in shelter of the Most High will abide in the presence of the Almighty.

Wishing All a Merry Christmas

2005-12-23T08:58:00.000-06:00

My wishes for you this holiday season and over the new year....

Love Deeper.
Laugh Louder.
Cry Harder.
Live Extravangantly.
Embrace Life.

Take every moment for what it's worth; find the life, find the Jesus, in every moment...never underestimate the power of one second, one conversation. The revelation surrounding the "nowness" of Jesus is life-changing...seek after it. The Word promises that "blessed are the hungry...they shall be filled." However big your cup is, that is your portion...ask for more...and you will receive more. How hungry are you?

Walk on, my friends, walk on. Embrace the good gifts he has for you, choosing to abide in the sonship of our Papa and live an extravagant life for our King.

May your holidays be spent with abudant blessings from the throne room and your new year be only a reminder of the faithfulness of sweet Papa to fulfill every one of his promises...

2005-12-18T00:01:00.000-06:00

A few months ago, I stood on the edge of a cliff of jagged rocks---they overlooked a sea of vastness and beauty, the waves sparkling as if millions of sapphire diamonds were shimmering under the sun. At that particular moment, I had no where to turn...except to my sweet Jesus. No direction could lead me where I wanted to go---hell, I didn't know where I wanted to go. I asked the Lord, "What do you do...what do you do when everything you thought you knew, you don't know...and the very place you never wanted to be is exactly where you are. What do you do when you have no direction and have no idea what the next minute holds.." When Papa answered, he said something that resounded in my Spirit and has will forever remain etched in my mind....he said...

You Let God be God.

Those words sparked a moment where I have never felt so small...I found myself closing my eyes, feeling the magnitude and majesty of our King, and knowing it is He and I...no others. no sounds. no people. He is the constant. He is the continuity. A direct connection with my creator, a place of intimacy unbeknownst to the rest of the world.

I was reminded of this moment tonight after I asked Mark if he had specific days that stood out in his mind and heart as the best days of his life...he had a few...I had a few. I love our relationship. He is becoming my best friend. We can talk for hours about the dreams and visions of our hearts...searching for truth. substance. something thats real....

So much is happening right now. So much. Jesus give me dreams.

2005-12-10T23:51:00.000-06:00

In the eleven days that have passed since my last entry, my life has been caught up into a whirlwind that has yet to touch the ground...
What do you do when what you ask for and exists only in a dream becomes a reality?
What do you do when you find yourself experiencing a love that is beyond measure, dually wonderful and excruciatingly painful?
What do you do when you find yourself facing your worst fear...vulnerability...knowing there is no escape?

I don't know what you do...I have fallen in love with the most amazing man I've ever known. He inspires me. He sharpens me. He brings me to life with a simple word. His touch takes my breath away and the thought of spending my life with him makes me think forever just isn't long enough.

I love the way he throws his head back when he laughs. I love the way he clears his throat and shifts his body when he is about to say something important. I love the way his eyes get really small when he smiles. I love the way he embraces life. I love the way he gets excited about small things...watching a chunk of wood burn into small coals. I love the way he loves people like I do. I love the way he shares my heart to love the nations, all people, all colors, all races. I love the way he wants to be a father the way I want to be a mother...we want adopt as many children as possible, starting with Korea. I love how he refuses to settle for anything less than God's heart for every person he encounters...no matter the time or place.

But at the same time....it's terrifying. It is undoubtedly the scariest feeling I've ever felt...to walk forward with my heart on my sleeve, knowing he IS worth the risk. WE are worth the risk. I hate vulnerability...it's the one thing I"ve consistently tried to avoid since I was young. But...well, here I am. But I trust him...and I trust Jesus...and I am staring my fear at its core and not allowing it to take refuge in my heart. I choose to agree with and in the goodness of my King. HE IS FAITHFUL! HE WILL DELIVER EVERY ONE OF HIS PROMISES! I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE!

Life is beautiful. Life is amazing.

And what's life without a risk?....

And after all, I did get permission to fall.

thank you Jesus

2005-11-30T03:51:00.000-06:00

It's not a muggy night in Houston
And It's warming up in Kansas City
I can hardly believe that it's just you and me

I give you my life and all I am

But what I have to give
So I hand you a candid photograph of this little girl
'Cause I have nothing to my name
But I can give you that

Thank you Jesus...thank you Jesus....thank you Jesus....thank you Jesus.

Speechless.

2005-11-29T14:45:00.000-06:00

I don't even know what to write...

I got permission to fall.

Vulnerability or chinese water torture?

2005-11-27T21:16:00.000-06:00

Vulnerability.

I've never been bungee jumping or sky diving but I'm pretty sure that the five seconds before each "jump" feels pretty similar to what I feel right now. Feels like someone is hanging on to my beltloop, dangling me off a cliff and I'm just hanging there...not sure when they're gonna let go or even if they will, for that matter. At random points in time I feel land beneath my feet but for the most part, everything feels like I've already fallen...but I haven't. Not yet. And whats even worse is that most first timers don't jump alone, you do it with a professional, someone who has jumped thousands of times...so in all reality, you have no choice of when the moment will arrive when you find yourself plumeting into thin air. All you can do is wait...close your eyes, hang on for dear life, and wait. It's a terrifying yet exhilirating feeling which really leads me to ask the question...which is worse, vulnerability..or chinese water torture? At this point...they are pretty close to even.

A moment in history

2005-11-26T11:31:00.000-06:00

I just had to document this moment as a landmark in history: Saturday, November 26, 2005 at 11:33 AM
I, Mallory Paige Gabard, am sitting at at the Nashville Public library. I know. Read it again. Believe it. It's true.

I will now brush away my pride for my accomplishment and continue the work before me....

Just wanted you all to be a part of this special time in my life...haha.

A good few days.

2005-11-25T09:41:00.000-06:00

These past few days have been really amazing. I love how Jesus shows up in unexpected ways and places, always catching me offguard. Wednesday morning I woke up and had coffee with some friends, got dressed and then went to the mall. It was a trip taken for no reason--just felt like I needed to go. I walked around the mall, stopping to try on some cute dresses where Lyd works, when I ran into a friend I used to work with at the Macaroni Grill. We were really good friends, hanging out on a regular basis until I came back from Mozambique and in the midst of everything, we lost touch. As we sat on a bench outside of the Fossil store, we talked for over an hour about the way both of our lives had drastically changed in the last 6 months. While we are two completely different individuals, we both had really bad break-ups and he had been in terrible car accident and hospitalized for over a week. He was so hurt by what had happened...was made out to be a terrible person by someone who was supposed to be a friend and now, the love of his life, sees a person he simply is not. He cried to me. I understood because I know it's the worst feeling in the world to feel misunderstood. It's crippling. Makes you feel helpless. To have your character and heart attacked...Jesus, let me never do that.

After my long talk with him, I went out to dinner with an old, new friend and his family, whom I absolutely LOVE. There are few places and groups of people I feel at home with and coincidently, they just happen to be one of them.

Cila and I woke up yesterday and, of course, went to Starbucks for my grande soy chai and her grande soy no whip no foam five pump gingerbread latte. We drove down to Spring Hill to hang out with her mom for awhile. It was fun...we sat in her kitchen while her mom cooked, just chatting about their lives and family. We left and went to my family's house in Chapel Hill where we had the weirdest Thanksgiving dinner EVER. Haha...whatever, it was fun. Lyd was over so its always good to see and hang out with her.

And last night? Let's just say I woke up with the same smile I fell asleep with...

another roller coaster of a day

2005-11-22T08:18:00.000-06:00

I had an amazing time with the Lord yesterday...I dove into an awesome time of worship where I simply got on my face with Jesus. I am in a situation where, really, I am helpless...I've gone too far that I can't deny where I am. I can't turn back...but I'm sure not taking a step forward. I can only BE. I can be where I am, feeling what I am feeling, knowing that at this point, I really can't guard my own heart...it is in the hands of my KING. I am fallible. He is not. I will fail. He will not. I can ask for the desires of my heart and be willing, if I am led, to go forward inch by inch.

Cila and I went to pray for Mary, a lady from our church who has a really bad back. We began to pray for her wile she was laying in her bed when the Lord started to do something really cool...He moved our attention to her son, a 25-year-old man standing shyly by the door. We got some cool words for him and began to see some sort of movement happening between the mom and son. We just began to glorify God, tell some testimonies and rejoice in the healing power of Jesus. It was awesome...she called us about 20 minutes after we left to tell us that she felt major spiritual breakthrough that she and her husband had been praying for....it was totally right on bc we felt a major shift in the atmosphere as we were wrapping up.

In all situations, GOD IS FAITHFUL! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS STEADY! HE IS CONSTANT! HE IS THE GIVER OF PEACE!
GIVE HIM PEACE, JESUS! GIVE HIM PEACE! BE THE LIGHT AT HIS FEET THAT GIVES HIM THE CONFIDENCE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP, NOT WORRYING ABOUT WILL HAPPEN. THANK YOU JESUS!! YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL! YOU KNOW THE BEST FOR OUR LIVES AND WILL NEVER LET US SETTLE. THANK YOU PAPA.

Our new blog

2005-11-22T08:15:00.000-06:00

So, Priscilla and I decided that our lives were so amazing that we had to start sharing ourselves with everyone...in a completely "safe" way. SOOOooo...yes, ladies and gentlemen, here it is... http://www.thehouseofhotness.blogspot.com !!

It's whatever.

2005-11-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

I think one of the most frustrating feelings in the entire world is to feel misunderstood...that's probably the reason I am so persistant with walking in the truths of the character of Jesus...
Why do people assume you're asking for something that you're not...I place so much importance on words. I say what I mean...nothing more, nothing less. I do my best never to assume anything about anyone...take things and people for what they say and do. Living in assumptions is terrible and usually only hurts yourself...
No one can know what is giong to happen until it happens...thats what risk is all about...be willing to walk in the "now" and see where it leads you...no matter where it ends. Is it worth it?...well, it's a decision no one else can make.
What does it have to be one way or another...God, I don't want to walk away...the thought of living life without knowing how you're doing, what you're doing...I don't even want to think of it. But can we be that...and just that?...I don't know. Please try to be my friend...want to be my friend...want to be in my life...regardless of what it looks like.

Gosh, this is a blog of ramblings...thank God no one really reads it besides the two people who I'm sure have heard this 1000 times today...

just being honest.

2005-11-20T18:16:00.000-06:00

I'm just going to be transparent...

I'm attempting to be be stable. To stand in the truth of the goodness of God, knowing he will never fail me. He doesn't play games with our hearts, I know that...but it's hard. Really hard. Turns out the feelings are mutual...exciting yes? Omigosh, I am thrilled...excited for what is happening and what I hope continues. But I am absolutely terrified...I'm terrified of making myself vulnerable, acknowledging how I feel...because what if he doesn't...He's nervous...scared...apprehensive...all for valid reasons. I was engaged just a few months ago...he's had bad experiences with ladies in the past...he doesn't want to screw things up or hurt me. All of which I completely understand...but his nervousness makes me nervous. His apprehensiveness makes me , well, apprehensive. I'm making a priority to only move when he moves...
He senses direction, thats good. His family is happy. My family is happy. Our spiritual mom and dad are estatic. It really does comes down to what he wants...and if his desire can overcome his fear. Jesus...help him. Take away all the fear, uneasiness, etc.....fill his heart with peace and joy...
I look so forward to the day when he jumps in...says 'this is how I feel and I'm going after it!' The day when the walls are torn down and I can get to see him for who he really is...no worries of saying/doing the right thing, too much, too little..just him. Finding how what drives him nuts, makes him excited, gets on his nerves.. I can't wait...just from what I do know, I can only imagine what is yet to be seen...

But regardless of his unsettlednes, I am trusting in what the word promises....Love casts out all fears. I am standing on what is in my heart...it's a risk, yes....a terrifying, yet thrilling risk that I am willing to take. I'm choosing to believe....that daddy is totally guarding my heart and I am in a safe place. That WE are in safe place...because I trust him. I trust Jesus and I trust him...completely.

Daddy...make it happen. Wipe away the fear...wipe away the unsettledness...I trust you. Love is your speciality...you know how it works. I'm just gonna receive it...

dreaming

2005-11-20T00:36:00.000-06:00

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold

Can I have it?

2005-11-14T07:54:00.000-06:00

Oh, Jesus...you said if I seek you with all I have then you would grant me the desires of my heart...Papa, I'm asking. I've sought you and spent the last few years simply trying to be obedient to your voice, no matter the cost. It's my hearts desire to abide in you, with you...but now, I'm asking. I'm asking for this one...
I don't want to hide what I feel, pretending its not there and attempting to move on when in actuality, all I'm doing is lying and trying to cover something that has been there for years.
Did You speak directly to me? No. Did I hear your audilble voice? No. Did you send an angel to visit me in the night to deliver me the message...? No.
But ya know what, sometimes you don't have to...sometimes all you have to do is look in front of you and see the beautiful gifts God has given to you and watch in awe as something stunning and amazing is formed...that's what I've done. I'm watching this beautiful creation from my daddy and wanting, wishing so badly that it is true..that what appears from the outside is indeed pure on the inside and something I will walk in for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm seeing my other half...someone that fits to me to compose a completion. It's been built, molded...it's ready. All they have to do is be put together...and trying to find it anywhere else just seems fake...and impossible to get as close as what already exists.
It's suprising but it makes sense...
So, Jesus...I"m asking...I'm asking with an heart overflowing of a desire that I'm finally ready to admit exists...and exists in a powerful way...

Can I have it?

home.

2005-11-14T07:52:00.001-06:00

one day I took a walk up the street
And picked a flower and climbed the hill
Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds
Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else
You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard you're name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And somethings are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now,
And it feels always,
And it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

all i want.

2005-11-07T22:27:00.000-06:00

I listened to a friend of mine preach tonight about revival...he's a great man, good friend, extremely dear to my heart. He talked about how our generation was called to revival and we would see things greater than we could even imagine...and granted, I want to be fertile soil, willing and wanting to receive all He has...but to be honest, I'm not after the power. I'm not after walking with ridiculous amounts of annointing...because even though Jesus walked with them, you can walk in power and anointing but not look, smell, or feel anything like Jesus...but I'm after the heart of God. I'm after living in such an intimate place in the heart of my daddy that I can't move, think, sleep, or dream away from His heart...and when I am in that place, the power and annointing follows...

I've lived in a land where revival is flowing like milk and honey...people are getting saved, healed and delivered by the hundreds...and its awesome. But what amazes me more and completely wrecks me for life...is watching lives change as they receive the revelation of the love and goodness of God. They choose to BELIEVE and walk in FAITH--and heaven resides on Earth.

I am after ONE THING: to live in such an intimate place with my daddy that His heart overflows through mine in every moment, allowing his love and goodness to flow through my veins and into the atmosphere.

I want this revelation of the "now" to continue to change my life...I do not want to live off of "high" from testimonies of what happened yesterday and the hopes of what could happen tomorrow....I want to live IN the present, finding the Jesus in every moment, knowing the reality of WHO HE IS and WHAT HE IS DOING.

Do I know the key to revival???? Yes, I do. The key to revival is KNOWING the NOW.

Right, Cila?

proximity

2005-11-03T21:37:00.000-06:00

Proximity
by Cila

Here I am waiting for a friend at a cafe
I was suppose to be married that was this day
here he comes walking in
this has been my greatest friend
we laugh, we cry
we share it all in our eyes
Am I in love? Does he know?
what will happen if I let it show?
sitting here with him, its all fine
I think he sees it in my eyes
what is love?

what is love?
its a boy, its a girl
its emotions in a whirlwind
feeling joy, feeling pain
like your gonna go insane
love is proximity
and there is no remedy
two people of similar kind
at the right place and time
will it work? I don't know
is there anyone who will show us how?
full of love, living now

Here we go again
different time, different day in another cafe
I feel joy, I feel pain
I wanna know does he feel the same?
Is there more , are we just friends
I fight it everyday
wearing my heart on my sleeve
right now I just wanna get up and leave
do I tell him, should he know
aaaahhh forget it I'll let it go
what is love

what is love?
its a boy, its a girl
its emotions in a whirlwind
feeling joy, feeling pain
like your gonna go insane
love is proximity
and there is no remedy
two people of similar kind
at the right place and time
will it work? I don't know
is there anyone who will show us how?
full of love, living now

It's worth it.

2005-11-03T07:31:00.000-06:00

Love...
It's about desire. Seeking the heart of sweet Jesus and then allowing him to fulfill your hearts desires...what you want and what you feel...trusting unconditionally in Holy Spirit and allowing the flow of His peace be your stoplight. Knowing that in every moment of every minute that the Lord is moving...moving to bring and guide you into the next step. As my friend Jason Kramer once told me "Mal, when the Lord puts a lamp unto your feet it doesn't give off very much life...just enough to take you from one step to another."

A profound word from Cila---Belief is the seed of faith but its faith...FAITH...that produces fruit

So, I believe. I believe that if I do that, live in the now, feeling whatever I feel....and KNOWING...without a shadaw of a doubt that my God is walking every step with me, guiding me, leading me in the right ways...the risk, the risk that is undoubtedly there, is totally worth it.

He's worth it.

It's worth it.

somewhere north

2005-11-02T07:12:00.000-06:00

It's a muggy night in Houston
And all the intersections are like full service stations
I'm on my way to a familiar place
It's cold in Kansas City
And you can no more hear me than I can see your face
How I wish it was just you and me

We wouldn't have to talk above the crowd
We wouldn't have to talk so loud

I give you my life and all I am
But what I have to give
So I hand you a candid photograph of this little boy
'Cause I have nothing to my name
But I can give you that

I don't miss the driving
Seems like forever
And I'm always driving in my mind
And wearing out the road that gets me there

And I'm driving till my eyes just can't see straight
But I suppose that it's getting late

I may never find the sleep
I've lost all feeling in my hands and
Feet may touch the ground but
My mind's somewhere north of here

I DONT KNOW.

2005-11-02T06:50:00.000-06:00

Although in my last post, I talked about how strong I am....I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this one.

Love. Even the journey there...is terrifying.
Absolutely terrifying
Knowing when to take a chance and when to begin the process of convincing yourself that you've just convinced yourself of everything you're currently thinking...the lines are fuzzy. Two of my friends from the UK once told me..."Mallory, falling in love feels so similar to the feelings you have when God is telling you something." So true. So true.
I'm not scared of love at all. I trust love more than any other "thing" in my life...I mean, why wouldn't I? Love is God's speciality; it's what he's best at. Why would I be scared of love? If anything, I want love at his purest core, after all, perfect love casts out all fear...right?
So what is it...what is it that scares me so deeply? I'm not sure really, but I know it has something to do with the journey....the journey we are forced to make when our hearts start to churn and our feelings are provoked. Beginning that journey is indeed a risk...what if you start the journey alone? What if no one follows you....what if you decide the risk is worth it...and the other person doesn't...it's a risk. It is.

Am I willing?....I don't know. I just don't know.

Secret #1. things that make me gag.

2005-10-31T16:43:00.000-06:00

I'm a strong woman. I am...Can handle more than most, I'd say...thick skinned. But there are some things...not a lot, just a few...that really disgust me. EEgggh. Makes me gag...for example...

toothpicks. I HATE toothpicks. I cannot imagine too many things worse...ever seen that movie Uncle Buck? Ok, I saw it a few times as a kid but a scene of that movie has stuck with me and will forever haunt me..Buck's friend is sitting at the bowling alley with a nasty toothpick in his mouth, gazing disgustingly at Buck's niece...so now, everytime I see a man with a toothpick, I want to gag...

nasty. mushy, squishy.-why even allow these words to be in the dictionary....eeeggguggghh.

smushed french fries on the floor---memories I'd rather forget from jr. high school when I fell and my face landed on a smushed french fry on the caf floor. terrible.

olives.

mayonaise. I was at a church camp when i was 15 when there was a lice breakout...so we had to soak our hair in mayonaise. Its been ruined for me ever since.

Ok, I'm already getting grossed out, so I should stop there.
Just thought I'd share a few untold secrets....so there ya go.

agreement.

2005-10-29T10:35:00.000-05:00

Last night Cila and I went to the hospitality room at church, simply needing some time to worship our daddy. We took the mics and drums and before we knew it, we were flying into that intimate place with the heart of papa, asking what HE had to say....

It's awe-inspiring to me the power of the voice of God. How we can walk in doubt and confusion and the second we encounter Jesus, the second we reach that intimate place with daddy, we change. Not just momentarily, but really, really change. Intimacy brings revelation, revelation brings truth, truth brings...freedom. Freedom in knowing that he is the consistency when we are overwhelmed, not knowing which way to turn. FREEEDOMMMMM!

It's time for agreement. Today. TODAYYYYYYYYY. To walk in this exhilirating freedom, we must CHOOSE to come into agreement with the spiritial realm. The minute, the SECOND that choice is made, the atmosphere is shifted and an open heaven is created that makes room for our daddy to work. to move. to FULFILL THE PROMISES! He can speak something in to existence and command us to do something..but until we agree with him, it wont happen. Never...thats just the way it is. You can hear the Lord say, "you're going to preach to the nations, heal the sick, cast out demons." And if your train of thought is "whatever, God, thats not going to happen.." You're right. It wont. But if you say, "YES GOD. I RECEIVE THAT WORD! I BELIEVE YOU JESUS!" then ya know what....that POWER OF AGREEMENT makes room for it to happens and starts the cycle that results in your destiny.

BELIEVE!! BELIEVE WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE! BELIEVING IS NOT A RISK: HE NEVER COMES BACK VOID! NEVER! HE DOESN"T KNOW HOW TO BE UNFAITHFUL! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD!

LORD WE AGREE WITH YOU! WE AGREE WITH YOUR PLAN! I AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT MY DESTINY,MY FUTURE! I CALL FORTH THE HEAVENS TO OPEN AND YOUR LOVE TO INVADE EVERY BREATH THAT I TAKE!! SHIFT THE HEAVENS! SHIFT THE EARTH! WE CALL FORTH AGREEMENT BETWEEN THE SPIRITUAL REALM AND THE NATURAL!!!! LET YOUR HEAVENS REIGN!!!!!!!

An Old Friend.

2005-10-26T07:41:00.000-05:00

My life is unpredictable. Some call it instability. I call it spontaniety.
But in the midst of the everyday excitement of asking "what will happen today, Jesus?" there are a few stabilizers that make me sit back, relax and take a deep breath. A few stabilizers that I know regardless of where I go or what I do, will continue to bring the continuity to my days...

An old friend. In an effort to keep his identity disclosed, this man will be referred to as...an old friend.

I saw an old friend last night and for the first time in quite some time, we spent a few hours just talking. Conversation to conversation, from laughing about 'going to hell' at old church conferences to discussing the irrifutable actions that must occur in relation to a group of Jesus fanatics who are ready to take on the city. Everytime I see an old friend...or even talk about an old friend, something in me happens. It's an overwhelming love, a sense of protection, honor and respect that seriously brings me to tears. Weird? I know...it kind of is. But its true. Our years of deep friendship have spawned into something incredibly beautiful...and whether it continues to be a friendship, I'm just not sure. Since our introduction, he has taken a place (in my life) on a pedastool, as someone who has set the par as to who and what a man should be...yet existing out of my 'reality,' seemingly impossible for me to have someone so...yea...in my life. What does that mean? Oh, I have no idea.

What I do know is that regardless of what appears to be becoming or what will undoubtedly be a long-lasting relationship, my heart is overwhelmed by my old friend. And I hope it doesn't take so long for another last night. I guess the old sayings are true...

There's nothing like being with an old friend.

Thank you old friend...for being you. And not an old friend at all.

Now.

2005-10-23T22:42:00.000-05:00

So. This weekend has been one of the most life-changing, revelation-filled two days of my life. Seriously. I know people say that all the time but I am totally serious. IT has.

Friday afternoon we (Cila & I) left for our "retreat" and headed into the woods. Welll...not so much. We headed out to Vange and Howard's house and hung out there for a few hours and had an absolutely AAMMMAZING time. We talked for a few hours and started to drive back to the Potters when, as we were passing over a bridge, saw what resembled a man kneeling down, holding a child, and somone else. We totally freaked, conviced they were ghosts or something, but following the Spirit and drove back. Turns out they had a car accident and were waiting on the ambulance to arrive. We had a chance to talk to them and pray...it was amazing to see the Lord's purpose for this time. The enemy's intention to plant a spirit of trauma and curse into this family was obvious...but what was more obvious, and simply overwhelming I might add, was the heart of our Father to intervene and say "NO-this is MY family and MY territory--and I will not allow the enemy to thwart the plans for my people." We went in to this scene and blessed this family with heavenly blessings---I can't even imagine the Lord's plans for these people...

Ya know, this is what life is all about. The purpose of life is to live extravagantly, finding Jesus in every moment of every day. Our Jesus is not dormant...he is on the move, all the time, all we have to do is see it and take notice. I've spent my life dreaming of my plans for the future, wondering what plans the Lord has stored up for me....but you know what? That's all well and good and its true...He DOES have great gifts in the storehouse of heaven...but is already RELEASING good gifts today and if we all keep focusing on tomorrow, we are totally gonna miss out on today....and I refuse to let that happen!

A wise 13-year-old told us an awesome God story today. He followed-up by saying, "And that's just yesterdays...not even todays!"

AND THAT IS SOOOOO IT! Yesterday was great...and tomorrow is gonna be great...but today...today is NOW. The time where God and Holy Spirit are MOVING and we can't miss it...we cant!

So, live each moment, finding the Jesus in every second...freedom resides in the now...

free yourself!

everytime.

2005-10-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

Everytime you move your eyes...a new song. Everytime you move your gaze...a new wave.

No one ever said this journey was easy...no one ever said the ride was smooth. But with each step, each move, each valley we must tread through and raging river we must cross...we are moving forward. I used to believe in free will and this concept of 'choosing' really did exist...I was wrong.

It was a beautiful evening in late June when my friend, Laura, and I decided we wanted to leave the missions base in Pemba, Mozambique and hit up the bar for a gin and tonic and have a relaxing night. Ohhh...wait...we're in Pemba, there ARE no bars here. So, we settled for a Chai from Starbucks...hmm...oh, yea, no Starbucks. What we DID finally settle upon is the luxurious 5-star Pemba Beach Hotel right on the beauty of Wimbi Beach...and a diet coke. Anyways, we wanted to stop doing ministry and just have a night to ourselves. Good idea, right? We found a table on the outer porch, creating as close to a "coffee-shop atmosphere" as possible. We just started talking about what the Lord was doing in our lives and we suddenly had this feeling that we weren't alone---we weren't alone at all. It was at this point in my life when I realized "free will" was just an idea used in attempt to feel some sort of control over a life when, in reality, we aren't in control at all...Holy Spirit is.

I began to see how every step, every decision of my life had been shaped and sharpened to design a beautiful creation. Unfinished, yet beautiful. The result?

Me.

You see, when we make the choice to follow our King and accept the fullness of Holy Spirit, we get completely ruined, completely wrecked for life. You can't taste the goodness of God, see the reality of Heaven on Earth, experience the love and compassion of Jesus and pretend to live your life without it...with each experience with Holy Spirit, a seed is planted that says "I want more, I have to have more, I can't live with just this much, I'll do whatever you ask, I'll follow you anywhere." And its only a matter of time before your life becomes a whirlwind of waves...encountering the Father and allowing His gazes, His words, Holy Spirit to be the wind the blows you into the next steps...there is no worry. There is no pressure. When it is time to be released, you will be released...when it is time to slow down and receive, you'll find yourself slowing down and entering a season to receive.

After a train is built, tested and approved, it is placed and locked onto tracks...doing this lessens responsibility on the conductor. They only real power in their hands is whether they choose to move or stay stationary...but they can't get off track. Same with us...we are on the tracks, unable to head the wrong direction if we just allow ourselves to move, flow freely, gracefully to the tunes of Holy Spirit. Allowing ourselves to sing a love song...to Him.

Every time you move your gaze...a new wave...

I don't care where the winds take me Jesus...I'm just along for the ride.

i am.

2005-10-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

My sister always talks about this show called Boston Legal...ever seen it? Well, I hadn't, until tonight, that is. I have to admit, it's quite funny...a somewhat pleasing mix of political humor and the appealing drama of a law firm. Anyway, there's this guy...the Rescue 911 guy...who used to be this high-end lawyer and the best of the best. Over time he began to question his ability and whether he still had what it takes to be the best. This particular episode featured this man take on a huge case...in which he did a phenominal job and closed the show saying in a confident tone: and I AM Denny Crane. I AM.

I am Mallory Paige Gabard. I am the girl who was born into the weaves of a small-town but made with genes that never seemed to fit. I'm the girl who spent hours upon hours sitting in her room reading novels at the age of 10 and the girl who never seemed to understand why racism and judgement loomed over her hometown. I am still the girl who stood in front of the United Nations at age 15 and believed with an overwhelming passion in diplomacy and the spirit of peace that she said to herself "if I have to go to every one of these nations to show them how to live in peace, I'll do it." I'm the girl who said "ok, jesus, I'll believe in you" on my best friend's kitchen floor and knew that somehow, my life would never be the same.

And I am the young woman that followed her heart to a place called Belmont University in Nashville. I am the young woman who met a man named Mark Woodward and got completely wrecked at the feet of Jesus as he poured Holy Spirit upon my very being. I'm the young woman who knew any chance at a 'normal' life was diminished as she relentlessly entered a journey into His heart. I'm the woman who was called "out of reality" and decided if that was the case, she didnt' want reality, she wanted Jesus. And she was the woman who followed His voice to a place called Mozambique, Africa, where she fell in love...in more ways than one. She found a missing piece of her heart in the hands of the poor and hungry and met a man who completely swept her off her feet. A woman who decided that no matter the cost, I would never make a decision based on fear, prejudice or judgement and a woman who was often called naive, but utterly devoted to stand in faith and believe in the promises and goodness of Jesus.

And I am still that woman.

No matter what it might look like...or feel like...I am that woman. The heart inside me for the nations, peace, and culture beats on. The feet that held me through persecution are still holding me up. And the same hunger to simply live a long song for my King that led me across the planet to an unreached people is the same hunger that leads me here, right now, sitting on my purple couch with my sweet puppy, knowing with confidence...I live on.

I am Mallory.

I am.

the palm

2005-10-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today has been such a strange day. I had a difficult test and important presentation due today, so I had every intention of waking up about 5 am to study but I slept through my alarm, which NEVER happens to me, and missed out some opportune study time. I took the test and breezed through the presentation, left school and hurridly drove home in an effort to get to Cila as soon as possible. We hadn't seen each other in over a week and a half, which for us is a substantial amount of time, being that our friendship went from "I don't like her, she's arrogant" to "omigosh, you're my #3 on speed dial" in a matter of days! I am beyond blessed, honored, humbled, and just plain grateful for such an amazing friend...our friendship was so totally ordained by the Lord and I am so excited to see what His plans are for the two of us...I can only imagine the adventures that await us!

Well, I finally got to the Dollars' house where she was babysitting and like every other time we're together, we just sat back and talked about what Jesus was up to. I've been in one of those moods today where something was on my mind, I just didn't know what it was. Was it something I forgot to do....something I left in NYC...I'm not sure. After being totally blessed by a pizza guy, we took a drive in Jeff's car---we needed fresh air--and stayed for about 30 minutes at the overlook on Barry Chapel.. Tears were streaming down my face as I felt an unfamliar wave of emotion and what began as a strong, confident woman, had become transformed into a little girl sitting on her papas lap, reaching out for anything that felt behavior.

Suddenly I felt a holy fear settled in the car and sumbitting to silence was the idea that was the missling link that completed our trio for the evening. I closed my eyes and within seconds, I was resting in the palm of God's hand, each new day rising to form a new wrinkle or spot. His vastness and sovereignity seemed overwhelming---and here I was, this little girl, crying out for anything...a touch, a whisper, a turn of his gaze---anything. I feel his hands in my midst--his palm creating a safe haven, a house of love and hope, a place for me to rest....and simply call home.

his palm...my home.

\

i know.

2005-10-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

I know that one day the clouds will have to part.
I know that one day the sun will come back out.
I know.
One Day.

The theatre spoke with a resounding blackness that seemed to drown out every sound, from the pounding drums bellowing from the orchestra pit to the muffled whispers emerging from the back rows. My entire being was engulfed by what was happening on stage....
one man, tangled in a web of confusion, searching for truth.
one woman, believing in the truth, regardless of what appears to be, leaving her own in perseverence of victory.
All the while, saying....

I know that one day the clouds will have to part.
I know that one day the sun will have to come out.
I know.
One Day.

My mind struggles to conceive all the thoughts, questions, ideas, and worries that spun me into a journey...a search...
What am I searching for, you might ask....I'm not so sure.

When I do....I'll let you know.

covered with sparkle.

2005-10-13T00:35:00.000-05:00

It's day ONE of my New York City vacation with Lyd and in the midst of swimming through streets flooded with rain, we are having a great time. Our flight got in a bit late but we arrived at the Crowne Plaza around 1pm, grabbed our umbrellas and took out the streets, grabbing a quick bite to eat at fridays. We came back to our hotel about 4 and took a power nap, had dinner at Roxys then grabbed the metro to Greenwich for an evening at the Comedy Cellar. Overall it was a good time, take away a few crude remarks about sex and women, it would have been even better. We had about reached our limit and grabbed a cab back and now, almost 1 am, I'm laying in an white, giant-sized bed, trying to muffle all the thoughts fighting for space in my head and simply go to sleep.

Why is it never that easy?

I don't pretend to understand...I don't even try, not even sure that I want to.

So, until I have a bit more to say...or, haha, I'm awake enough to explain write anyway, I'll say boi noite, dormir bien.

Good Night Sweet World....Goodnight. May I learn from you and allow Holy Spirit, my best friend, to guide and lead me into all truths....

A New Chapter

2005-10-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

At the persistant request of my dearest friend, Cila, I have decided to start a new chapter of my life...literally...and begin sharing some of my thoughts, dreams, visions and revelations with this newfound world of 'blogging.' Not that I really understand the concept behind an 'online diary' but hey, I'm up for something new.

Given the fact this is my first entry, I do feel a sense of responsibilty to write words that are somewhat insightful or awe-inspiring...but in all reality, no one knows I have this, well, besides Cila, and she knows my man-voice, so why should I try to impress...

I'm sitting in my apartment right now, lounging on my purple couch with my beautiful Bella (Bichon Frise puppy) cuddled at my side, listening to the melo-dramatic tunes of Bethany Dillon and waiting for Lydia, my best friend from high school, to get done with homework so we can finish getting ready for our fall break getaway trip to NYC. We need a break. Bad. Her husband just left for his second tour of duty in Iraq and I was supposed to be getting married this month....we need a break.

I love New York. Something about the way I can walk into the streets and lose myself in the vastness of this hub of communication and life. I have a dominant personality and often find myself in front of life, even when I'm trying to avoid it, so when I go to a place like NYC, I enjoy being one in thousands, walking the streets, peering in the windows of Macy's, sitting on a bench in Bryant Park and watching people pass, trying to figure out their stories and why they are doing whatever they are doing at that particular moment. Cila and I have decided that we are moving to NYC in May and going to just work and have fun...and audition for STD and Viagra commercials. Hahaha. I mean, someone has to do it...why us? That's just a SOZO waiting to happen!

I think that's all I want to say tonight. Let's see if I can figure out how to post some of pictures.....